The following is an excerpt from an article written by Hilary Brown of VetPet Partners. I found this the other night and it sums up very well all the thoughts, anxiety, fears, and pain I have faced making the decision that we did this weekend - to put the last of the "original 4 dogs" - Tiki - to rest. Her pain has been getting progressively worse and we would not ask her to stay longer, in pain, just for us to love her. I don't know if pets go to heaven to meet us there later but I want to think that right now Tiki is running around heaven in the green grass with Thea, Fancy, and Spirit. She was our "sweet little blessing". I LOVE YOU TIKI - REST WELL.
..."When I am faced with the ultimate decision about how I can best serve the animal I love so much, I try to set aside all the complications and rationales of what I may or may not understand medically and I try to clear my mind of any of the confusions and ups and downs that are so much a part of caring for a terminally ill pet. This is hard to do, because for months and often years we have been in this mode of weighing hard data, labs, food, how many ounces did she drink, should she have her rabies shot or not, etc. But at some point it's time to put all of that in the academic folder and open the spiritual folder instead. At that point we are wise to ask ourselves the question: "Does SHE want to be here today, to experience this day in this way, as much as I want her to?"
Remember dogs are NOT afraid, they are NOT carrying anxiety and fear of the unknown. So for them it's only about whether this day holds enough companionship and ease and routine so that they would choose to have those things more than anything else and that they are able to focus on those things beyond any discomfort or pain or frustration they may feel. How great is her burden of illness THIS day, and does she want/need to live through THIS day with this burden of illness as much as I want/need her to? If I honestly believe that her condition is such, her pleasures sufficient, that she would choose to persevere, then that's the answer and we press on.
If, on the other hand, I can look honestly and bravely at the situation and admit that SHE, with none of the fear or sadness that cripples me, would choose instead to rest, then my obligation is clear. Because she needs to know in her giant heart, beyond any doubt, that I WILL have the courage to make the hard decisions on her behalf, that I will always put her peace before my own, and that I am able to love her as unselfishly as she has loved me.
After many years, and so very many loved ones now living on joyously in their forever home in my heart, this is the view I take...... The law of my state says the veterinarian is the one licensed to administer the shot, not me. But a much higher law says this is my ultimate gift to my dog and the responsibility that I undertook on the day I welcomed that dog into my life forever."
I'M BACK!!! I know it has been over 2 months since I last blogged. Sometimes one just needs to step back and think about things and then when the time is right - get back to writing. And I think the time is right again. Christmas is over and a new year has begun.
Tomorrow is March 10, 2009 - 5 years since Mom passed away. I still miss Mom a whole lot but I also know she is in a much better place. I like to think she is doing what a Christian singer sings about - "dancing in the field with Jesus!!!" And I like to think that Thea is there with her also - keeping her company. Whether she is or not (only God knows at this time) - it makes me feel happy.
Yesterday I made my annual trek to the top of the mountain to release a balloon for Mom. It was a perfect balloon for her - it had two teddy bears and said "I Love You". Terri went with me (she has never gone with me before). We got up there and instead of going over to the overlook we went to the other side into a field. I sat for awhile and talked to God and then waited for a gust of wind and let the balloon go. Well, it went straight into the trees!!! And yes, it got stuck. At first I thought - oh great, terrific, now what. But then I stopped and just asked God to please release the balloon and get it to Mom. Terri and I watched for awhile and the balloon did not come out. Finally it moved a little but the string was attached to the tree and it was not going anywhere. Terri said it would probably not come loose but I told her that yes it would. I knew God would release it from the tree and it would go up. I might not see it but I knew He would.
So we got in the car and started to leave. As we were driving out of the parking lot, I glanced back at the tree and YES - the balloon was free and was going up in the air!!!! I yelled and Terri looked and saw it also!! God is so WONDERFUL!! I knew he would release it but was so humbled and thankful that He let me witness it. It just showed me again how much He loves me.
The rest of the day after that was beautiful - warm and happy and I felt such a peace. It is still sad when I think of Mom being gone from here but I am so happy for her that she is with Jesus and I will see her again.
I LOVE YOU MOM!!!
Well, my hope of no more overwhelming sadness was dashed today. Felt ok when I first got to work. Then around 10:30 one of the veterinarians took my joking around with her wrong and she jumped all over me (which totally took me by surprise). Then shortly after that I had a client who was not taking no for an answer and after telling me I had no compassion and no love for pets who are part of everyone's family, I really started feeling bad. The not loving pets really hurt and all I could think of was Thea and Fancy again and how much I really really missed them and then I started missing Mom, missing having family close at Christmas or any time, miss having a family of my own (children, husband), and basically just feeling very NON CHRISTMASY!! Then my boss jokingly started giving me a hard time and that's when everything hit - the tears started pouring out of the old eyes and I basically ran from the room. Then the first vet came back to the breakroom to apologize and the tears started again. When I told her it wasn't just her, that there were other things - she tried to make me feel better by telling me that she knew it was hard - losing Mom, losing Thea and Fancy, not having family close. WAAAAAAA - talk about hitting everything right on the nose and having it right back in my face!!! I know she was trying to make me feel better and letting me know she understood, but boy it hit me hard and I couldn't stop crying. And one thing I don't like doing is losing control at work and crying. So the rest of the day was pretty lousy and I still feel like an emotional wreck. I came home and talked to Terri about it and started crying all over again. I pretty much feel like I could care less if Christmas came or not. I really really don't feel like being cheerful and Christmasy right now. Definitely not a good Christmas this year. Maybe next year will be better. Right now - I just wish it was all over.
Have you ever just been hit with a sudden, overwhelming feeling of sadness?? I was today - about 3:30 pm while sitting at my desk listening to Mindy and Sharon talking about something. You know I don't even remember what they were talking about. But whatever it was it triggered my sadness. My thoughts, my heart, my emotions were filled with images of Thea and Fancy. My heart hurt with missing them and remembering how much I dearly loved those two little dogs. I have not felt that sadness in quite a while and not since Thea died have I been hit with such an overwhelming feeling. In just a few minutes I felt like I was about to burst into tears that would not stop if I let them out. Tonight I am still feeling kind of emotionally spent (even though I did not break down and cry). I hope I don't have more periods of sadness like that for awhile. I really miss those two little dogs and loved them both so very much.
"In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register.
So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn." - Luke 2:1-7
What is Christmas? A time for buying and giving presents? A time for getting together with family and friends? A time for big meals and fun times? Yes, Christmas has all those things. But what is Christmas really about?
Christmas is about the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ - our Savior. The one who came down from heaven - the Son of God - and was born on this earth as a man for one purpose only. To die on the cross for our sins; to pay the price for our sin - death. He loved us so much, he died a horrible death so we can have the gift of salvation and live with Him forever in heaven. So, at this time we should be praising Him and celebrating His birth. And the gifts we give to our loved ones should be with the joy of loving Him. But more than that - we should be giving HIM our gifts. Our gift of love, praise, thanksgiving. Our gift of helping others as He would help others, doing things in His name and for His glory. Doing ALL things, no matter how big or small, for Jesus. I try to do all this because I love Him so much!!!
"Jesus, my Lord, thank you for YOUR gift to me of salvation so I can spend eternity praising you in Heaven. Help me to keep my eyes focused on YOU, to do everything I do, no matter how big or small, for YOUR glory and in Your Name. Bless this Christmas Season for my whole family and I pray they all know your love and that you will bless them in the year to come. I love you Jesus!!"
