Two weeks ago my "little blessing" was given back to God. The last two weeks have been very hard - I miss her so very much. Yesterday was extremely sad as her cremated remains were delivered back to me and I put her in the urn I bought for her. Needless to say, I spent a long time crying. But through all this, I have had the Lord by my side and I know His strength is getting me through this.
But now, Lord, do I have to go through it all over again? I don't know if I can. On Monday, our "baby" - Fancy - who is 10 years old, wasn't feeling well. Took her to work and did bloodwork and it came back showing liver and pancreas problems. Did more bloodwork to pinpoint some areas and that came back showing some MAJOR liver problems. And I thought - here we go again. She has been on IV fluids all week and still was a little droopy. Today Dr. Baird came back from vacation and he did an ultrasound on her - said her gallbladder, small bowel, and bile ducts all looked enlarged which could be pancreatitis (which supported some of the bloodwork). Thought her liver looked ok but without doing a biopsy we wouldn't know for sure. So, we did the biopsy and sent it to the lab for pathology. He came out and told me the liver samples did not look real good - they were not the normal color of a healthy liver. Then he told me that he also looked at her spleen (since he hadn't looked at it earlier) and said there was something in her spleen - wasn't certain but it could be a mass. Not the words I wanted to hear. Can I take anymore? I really don't know. We have lost 2 of our "girls" in the last 6 months - will we lose a third? He put her back on IV fluids and she has to go back tomorrow for more fluids. She vomited last night and this morning, but so far tonight she has held her food down. She is droopy and we can tell by her eyes, she does not feel well.
I feel like I want to go into a deep hole and never come out. Why? Why is this happening all at once? I know I don't have the answers - only God does. I know I can say that He has blessed Terri and I with these little dogs and I REALLY thank Him for all He has done for Fancy. She truly should have died at least 5 times in the past. And He kept her here with us longer than we thought she would live. But why now? So soon after losing Thea. And she is acting just like Thea - not feeling well, abnormal blood results...... I am feeling quite apprehensive. I pray we will have her with us for a long time, but only God knows for sure.
"Lord, I don't know why this is happening again - to Fancy now. You have blessed us with our 4-legged family and we have loved them all so much. I thank you for all the years you have let them be with us and the joy they have given us. I ask that you heal Fancy and let her stay with us a while longer. But, if this is not your will, Lord, I pray you give me all I will need - Your love, Your strength, Your comfort, Your arms around me. Because, Lord, I know I will need all that and more if she does not pull out of this. Thank you Lord for loving ME. Amen.
Today was and still is a day of pain and sorrow. It hurts so much losing Thea. It was a difficult day and I am not looking forward to going to bed. I have never slept without her beside me when I have been home. It will be a very sleepless night.
But I must share with everyone what God did for me through all of this. He is such a wonderful God and He loves us so. But He showed me today just how much He loves me and was there for me constantly.
First - I have prayed for weeks that He would show me without a doubt when it was time to let Thea go. I did not want to do anything prematurely but also did not want to wait too long and have her suffering. Yesterday's x-ray was definitely the answer to that prayer. Then last night - she could not get comfortable and I could tell she was starting to hurt. So I also knew then it was time. Then I was afraid she would not make it through the night and asked God to PLEASE let her make it through the night. I did not want her to die a painful death. He answered that prayer also as she made it through the night.
He also last night gave me the poem that was on last night's blog. It was exactly what I needed and how I know Thea felt. He also let me know that today was the day that I had to let her go. I was hoping to go through the weekend. I was to have carpal tunnel surgery on my left hand today and was going to have the surgery and then decide what to do this weekend. I got home from work yesterday and the surgeon's office had a message to call them. They had to postpone my surgery at the last minute - all they would say was it wasn't Dr. Holbrook's fault. I wanted to tell them it was God's doing. He did not want me to wait the weekend on Thea.
And then finally, this morning - my friend Susan was going to meet me at the clinic and then drive me to the crematory. I told her I would be ok to drive but she said she would meet me there at 7:30. Around 7 am I was wishing I had asked her to pick me up at the house - I prayed and asked God to let her be close (she lives an hour away) so she could pick me up. I really didn't want to drive myself to the clinic. So I called Susan at 7 am and asked her where she was. SHE WAS SITTING IN MY DRIVEWAY!!! God is so awesome and He cares so much for me. I burst into tears and knew at that moment He was with me and would always be with me.
I am glad I was with Thea to the end and I know it was the right thing to do and the right time. It still hurts so very much. The hardest thing was leaving her at the crematory. Tonight will be very hard and I know I have many painful and sad times ahead of me. But I also know she is free of pain and she loved me and I loved her so much.
"Thank you Lord for loving me and thank you for your gift of Thea for 15 years. She gave me so much love and also shared her love with others. I know she will be missed by so many people - family and friends. Thank you Lord for all the answered prayers in the last 24 hours. I know you are always there for me but You showed me in such a strong way today just how awesome and loving You are. Even in this sad time I see Your Hand in my life and I Praise Your Name!!!"
If it should be that I grow frail and weak
and pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then you must do what must be done,
For this - the last battle - can't be won.
You will be sad I understand,
Don't let grief then stay your hand,
For on this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship must stand the test.
We have had so many happy years,
What is to come can hold no fears.
You'd not want me to suffer, so,
When the time comes, please let me go.
Take me to where to my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me til the end
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.
I know in time you will agree
it is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.
Don't grieve that it must be you
Who has to decide this thing to do;
We've been so close - we two - these years,
Don't let your heart hold any tears.
-Author Unknown-
Tonight is my last night with Thea. Tomorrow morning I will take her to the clinic where Dr. Baird (who has been trying so hard to save her) will let her sleep and not let her suffer. We have been battling this "illness" for almost 2 months now. And we have eliminated it down to Myelogenous Leukemia. Her white blood count has continued to rise - today it was at 74,000 (the normal is 4,000 to 15,000). She is still anemic. And the last week she has developed a cough. But today was the definite sign from the Lord that the time has come. She had vomiting and diarrhea this morning (an inflammatory bowel episode probably). But she was groaning this morning with it which she has never done before. That bothered me greatly. But I wanted to get her lungs x-rayed today more than anything because of the cough which was getting worse. Tara and Cheryl (two of our technicians) came and took her for her x-ray. About 10 minutes later, I walked back to the treatment area to see if the x-rays were up and Tara would not look at me and said I needed to talk to Dr. Jones. (Not a good sign). That's when the "bomb fell." Thea has a very large mass in her chest. A mass that was not there two weeks ago (when we x-rayed her then). A mass that is pushing on her lungs and heart - a mass that will only get bigger very quickly. A mass that could (in the very near future) cause her to have trouble breathing and she could suffocate and die a very painful death. I won't let that happen. And it could happen in just a few days. I love her too much to let her die that way. So tomorrow morning around 8 am I will let her go back to God - who gave her to me and let me spend 15 terrific, loving years with her; who showed me how I could bring joy to others with her, and to bring such joy and love to me. Thea had three very good days this week and I am so thankful to God for those three days. Now it is time to show how much I truly love her and let her go before she starts to suffer.
I LOVE YOU THEA - YOU HAVE BEEN AND ALWAYS WILL BE "GOD'S LITTLE BLESSING" TO ME.
How to begin tonight ---- sitting here watching Thea sleep on the chair. My sweet little Thea - who has been with me for 15 years, through so many things with me. And now, I feel so helpless not knowing what to do for her. She has been definitely diagnosed with kidney disease/failure in the early stages. And now she has also stopped eating her Z/D food which has helped her inflammatory bowel disease for almost a year. She has been eating (when she eats) K/D for her kidney problems. But now she has started having inflammatory bowel episodes about every other day (which means she has an upset stomach, vomiting and diarrhea for about 24 hrs.). All of that does not help her kidney problem. We started her on a new food tonight to hopefully help with the inflammatory bowel problem. She seemed to really like it and ate it down. I was so encouraged because she hadn't eaten since yesterday. Then about 30 minutes ago, I was cleaning up after her when she threw it all back up. She has been laying on the chair all night and has not been up at all except when I took her out to potty and then I physically got her up. I feel like we are caught between two rocks that are slowly coming together and squishing us.
One vet thinks she may have leukemia and the other one does not. Deep down I feel like she does not - that there is something else wrong. But we cannot figure out what the problem is. Her WBC keeps going up and up, she is still anemic, and she is now down to just under 8 lbs. I feel like I am watching her slip away from me. And tonight when I picked her up I saw where she has a HUGE red, bruise-like spot on her left chest/abdomen and leg. She had another one earlier this week on the right side. And we don't know why!!!
I have had many heartfelt talks with God and I know He is there for me and with me but I don't know what to do. I feel like I don't know what to pray for anymore. I love Thea so much and it hurts to think about not having her in my life. She has been my "baby" and my best friend for 15 years. But I know she can't be with me forever. It is just so hard not knowing what is wrong and how to help her. I know that I must keep praying and I WILL keep praying. And I know someday God will take her from me - but it hurts to think that "someday" may be sooner than I would like. I have a feeling down deep that I won't have her with me next year.
Thea has been my "little" blessing in such a "BIG" way and it will be so difficult when she is no longer in my life. I want her to be with me for as long as possible - and I know she is "just a dog" but she is God's gift to me and I thank Him for her. And I wonder if God is trying to tell me something because the following has been on my mind most of the day and if so, I just pray Lord that You will be with me daily as I deal with this. (And is it wrong, Lord, to ask that she stay with me for awhile longer?)
"The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed is the Name of the Lord."
